Holly’s review of The Bro-Magnet by Lauren Baratz-Logsted
Women have been known to lament, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” For Johnny Smith, the problem is, “Always a Best Man, never a groom.” At age 33, housepainter Johnny has been Best Man eight times. The ultimate man’s man, Johnny loves the Mets, the Jets, his weekly poker game, and the hula girl lamp that hangs over his basement pool table. Johnny has the instant affection of nearly every man he meets, but one thing he doesn’t have is a woman to share his life with, and he wants that desperately.
When Johnny meets District Attorney Helen Troy, he decides to renounce his bro-magnet ways in order to impress her. With the aid and advice of his friends and family, soon he’s transforming his wardrobe, buying throw pillows, ditching the hula girl lamp, getting a cat and even changing his name to the more mature-sounding John. And through it all, he’s pretending to have no interest in sports, which Helen claims to abhor.
As things heat up with Helen, the questions arise: Will Johnny finally get the girl? And, if he’s successful in that pursuit, who will he be now that he’s no longer really himself? THE BRO-MAGNET is a rollicking comedic novel about what one man is willing to give up for the sake of love.
I have to admit, I was turned off this book initially by the title and cover. If the author hadn’t contacted me with an excerpt, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to read it. Which is a shame, because this was a hilarious, engrossing read.
I struggled a bit through the first couple chapters. After that the story captured me. I actually laughed out loud several times while reading. I even shared passages with my husband, which he snickered at as well.
Painter Johnny Smith is forever a groomsman, never a groom. He wants to change this. Unfortunately for him, all men love him and all women hate him. His fate was sealed at birth, and hasn’t changed in all his 33 years.
Right from the start, I’ve been a disappointment to women.
Here’s me at my own birth:
On January 1, 1977, after thirty-two hours, fourteen minutes and fifty-three seconds of labor, most of it during a heat wave so bad there are citywide power outages – a heat wave that would have been perfectly normal in Florida, but in New England, not so much – my mother, Francesca Smith, gives birth to me at home at exactly 2:19 p.m.
She insisted on the home birth because she said it would be more natural.
Alfresca Tivoli, Francesca’s sister, is present as Francesca’s birthing coach because my father, John Smith, says it’s women’s work. Plus, he’s scared shitless.
As I emerge from between my mother’s legs – all thirteen pounds, eight ounces of me – Alfresca catches me. Then I do the usual baby stuff: I get my cord cut, I’m slapped, I cry, I get weighed and measured, someone wipes the cheesy stuff off my hairy head, and finally I get handed off to my mother.
“Oh,” Francesca says, gently parting the swaddling to examine my body further, “it’s a boy. This wasn’t what I was expecting at all. I was so sure, all along, I was going to have a girl.”
Then, she dies.
And so begins Johnny’s tale. The heroine, Helen, isn’t introduced until toward the last 1/3 of the book. The first 2/3 of the book is spent establishing Johnny’s bachelorhood for reader. Normally this would frustrate me, since I like my romance with the relationship well established before an HEA, but it worked here. I was so entertained I didn’t even realize until after the fact.
Johnny’s best friend is a lesbian named Sam who’s more often acts more like a man than he does. I was entertained by this on one level. There are some truly amusing scenes that are born out of the friendship.
“Oh, that’s sad,” he says. “Such a pretty girl. Beautiful, really.” A thoughtful look crosses his face. “You two ever…”
It takes me a while to realize what he’s getting at here, and when I do…
“Sam?” I shake my head vehemently. “God no. She hits for the other team.”
“Oh,” he says wisely. “What? Red Sox fan?”
“No,” I say. “Lesbian.”
“Oh!” Enlightenment dawns. “Oh.” Disappointment. Then: “Well, that’s a shame.”
“Not really,” I say.
“How do you figure?”
“Well, if I worked with her and she liked guys but I never got with her, that could be depressing – you know, picturing her doing stuff with guys other than me. But this way…”
A light dawns in Steve’s eyes. “Free fantasy!”
“You got it,” I say. “Exactly. Like, if I picture her with some other girl, who am I hurting? Not even me.”
“I like the way you think, Johnny.
On another level, I was bothered by how the author used certain stereotypes in the book. Alice, the girl Johnny has had a thing for since grade school, is a total bitch most of the time. She also insists men need to change to get a woman. Billy, one of Johnny’s best friends, ends up marrying Alice. As soon as they get back from the honeymoon Johnny notices a lot of changes in Billy. He starts wearing Dockers and polo shirts. He says “Alice says” a lot. He owns a cat. While this was amusing, it was also frustrating at times.
As I step past him into the house I think that my friend looks nervous too for some reason. I also notice that he suddenly looks older. We’re exactly the same age, but his hairline’s starting to recede a little bit, he’s got a slightly well-fed overlap of his belt that I don’t remember ever seeing before, an honest-to-God striped polo shirt with not a single stain on it, and I swear there’s a crease in his chinos. He looks, for want of a better word, married.
“Hey, I like what you’ve done to the place,” I say following him into the living room.
This is not a strictly accurate thing to say since, as far as I can tell, they haven’t done anything with the place, unless you call stacking pictures to maybe be hanged later against the walls and scattering a few pieces of lawn furniture around the center ‘doing something.’ But it is what you say when you’re invited into a new home. I mean, what’s the alternative? ‘I don’t like what you’ve done with the place’?
“This is just temporary.” He waves his hand. “Between planning the wedding, the wedding itself, the honeymoon and having to sell both our places and buy this one, we haven’t really had time to make firm decisions on the interior design.”
“You have had a busy year,” I acknowledge.
“Plus, Alice wants everything to be just perfect. She says there’s no point in rushing to buy things just to fill space. She says if we do that, we might only end up regretting our hasty purchases. And then where’ll be? We’ll either have to live among stuff we hate or sell it all and buy new all over again. Alice says it’s best to wait until we find the exact items we fall in love with.”
No doubt. It sounds like Alice says a lot. Geez, I don’t remember her being so chatty growing up.
Eventually Johnny decides he must change in order to attract a girl. He meets Helen at a Yankee game he didn’t really want to be at anyway. She initially turns him down for a date, but his friend Steve puts them back in touch by suggesting Johnny paint her house. After several weeks of him painting, she asks him out. Normally Johnny is a sports and beer loving guy, who likes to work on cars and listens to talk radio all day. In order to keep Helen, he changes all that.
“Really, it doesn’t matter what you ask them, so long as it comes across that you’re soliciting their opinion. Women love to have their opinions solicited. Makes them feel like what they’ve got to say actually matters.”
“Make her feel like what she’s got to say actually matters,” I echo.
“Oh, but be sure to pay attention when she’s talking. There can be hell to pay if you don’t. Some women like to trip you up that way. Like you think they’ve answered your question? You know, maybe you’ve asked what her favorite color is? And she says blue right away, but then she goes on and on and on with details about it. Before you know it, your mind is drifting to other things, she changes her answer to yellow, you totally miss that part, her birthday comes, you give her a blue sweater, think you did great remembering her favorite color. Turns out, the part you didn’t hear was when she amended it to say blue used to be her favorite color, until her father was struck and killed by a drunken driver driving a blue car. Before you know it, the relationship’s over. Swear to God.” Maury holds up a hand. “Happened to me once.”
“Wow, that must have been rough.”
“Nah, it wasn’t too bad actually. She used to wear yellow all the time and I could never quite figure it out until the end there. It was like dating a yield sign. I never was crazy about yellow.”
It’s obvious to the reader – as it would have been to Johnny had he thought about it – that Helen is hiding something as well. They kind of muddle their way along, going to a Barn Opera (don’t ask) and visiting the carnival. Again, there are many amusing scenes. I can’t tell you how many times I literally laughed out loud.
There are some flaws. The writing was a bit off-putting at first – the style is very informal – and at times I wanted to smack the characters upside the head. I was especially bothered by the end. I don’t want to spoil it. but Johnny’s grand gesture was actually rather selfish and could have angered a lot of people. This bothered me because he was supposed to have grown over the course of the novel. His actions at the end made me think perhaps he hadn’t.
But overall it was an entertaining read. I’d definitely recommend it.
4.25 out of 5
This book is available from TKA Distribution. You can buy it here or here in e-format.
