This past weekend, Tracy came over and spent some time with me (ok, mostly she spent time in my book room), and while she was here we started discussing infidelity in romance. This is a long recycled topic here in Romanceland. There are some who don’t mind infidelity, or feel they can get past it depending on the circumstances, and others who just..can’t. No matter what. I happen to fall – for the most part – into the latter category. Infidelity just doesn’t work for me. It’s like I have a mental block when it comes to infidelity that refuses to let me get past it.
There are times when I’ve been able to overcome my aversion to infidelity, but they’ve been rare. Mostly it’s in cases where either a) it happened long before the current story takes place and the characters are dealing with the aftermath or b) unaware they were cheating (they thought their spouse was dead, etc). I’m also much more forgiving in historical romances, though even then I have a hard time accepting it.
This discussion sparked because Tracy was thinking about reading Her Ladyship’s Companion by Evangeline Collins (check out Ames‘ review here). We both thought it sounded good until Tracy realized the heroine hires a male companion while still married. Despite that fact that her husband was a cold fish who’d basically abandoned her to the country, Tracy and I both agreed we couldn’t get past that and set the book aside.
After reading Ames‘ review, I emailed her and asked her to spoil the end for me (I was curious about how things turned out) and she said it didn’t bother her that the heroine hired a male companion, especially since she’d been all but abandoned by her husband. Actually her direct quote was:
“Hey man, if her husband visits her once a year, then I’m all about a fictional character getting her jollies where she can.”
Gotta love Ames for keeping it real. Obviously she and I disagree, though I admit there are times I feel the same way. Especially since men often had mistresses in historical times. I guess it all depends on the author.
Actually, I think it depends on the characters, too. I remember being so angry with Zach from Rachel Gibson‘s Not Another Bad Date for cheating on his first wife, because he was so cavalier about it. She didn’t care, so why should he? There was no remorse for what he’d done, no contrition. He slept and around and that was that. I think if he’d shown even a modicum of remorse I might not have been as bothered. As it was, however, I had a really hard time moving past that, even though it had happened years before the story took place and he never cheated on the heroine.
So tell me, what are your thoughts on infidelity? Is it something you can overlook depending on the circumstances, or is it a deal breaker each and every time? Or are you just not bothered at all?
Cheating is a big no. I read romance for the fantasy. But I can not believe in the happily ever after if one of the main characters is a cheat.
Cheating, IMO, shows a weak and immoral side to the character, and I really can’t care about that character once they’ve crossed the line. If they’ve done it once, they’ll do it again, so what’s the point of reading a romance about these characters?
I prefer when characters take action to end the relationship instead of cheating.
I get that in historicals there was no divorce, or it was nigh impossible to get one, so I may be a tad more lenient there.
I also don’t consider it cheating if the parties are separated by mutual agreement, even if a divorce is not feasible (set in a Catholic culture, divorce illegal, etc).
Boo infidelity!
I have a problem with cheating if it actually is *cheating*. I don’t consider consensual swapping or swinging to be cheating. I don’t consider open relationships to be cheating. I don’t even have a huge problem with the heroine finding another man b/c her husband is cold and distant (or abusive) and also cheats. In other words, it only really bothers me if the partner who’s being cheated on actually cares that he/she is being cheated on. Then I can’t get past it and I won’t forgive it.
I think I fall where you do Holly – I don’t like it unless there are circumstances like you described. Usually it’s a dealbreaker.
It’s not a thing with me. I totally understand why it is a hot button issue for many readers.
But I’m just really old school about romance. Generally speaking, forced seduction doesn’t get me upset either.
But in this case, I’m with Ames. Infidelity doesn’t phase me in romance. I’m generally MUCH more upset by perpetration of a lie (ie: Duke in Disguise or Love by Deceit). But infidelity isn’t a hot button issue for me.
Cheating is a major turn-off for me. It is a major weak character and not a characteristic for a H/H to possess.
IMO, I don’t see how the H/H can have a HEA with each other when they are married or committed to someone else. At the very least, it is not my definition of HEA for the couple.
Great discussion. I can’t really add anything that you haven’t already touched upon…you know all my thoughts on this subject! lol
I cannot get past infidelity!
I always thaught I couldn’t get pst infidelity until I read the Desperate Duchesses series by Eloisa James. The most interesting couple Elijah and Gemma have a lot of history. He cheated, she flew to France and took 2 lovers (short affairs but still). I really loved there reunion in Duchess of Mine, it was sweet and lovong and I was so glad the H/H got their HEA.
Wait, you wouldn’t let a poor woman whose husband only visits 2x a year cheat? Oh, the cruelty!!
I guess I have a looser moral fiber. I don’t mind cheating, unless it’s hurting somebody. I’m with JenB – it’s only cheating if the partner actually cares.
Not a good thing with me ^_^; I hate it when the H/H sleeps around, so let alone cheating.
If they have sex once with someone and then, immediately break off their relationship with the current bf/gf, I might be okay.
If they thought their significant other was dead and they moved on, well I don’t think you can hold it against them.
It does depend on circumstances, but yeah, not really tolerant.
It did bother me about Zach, I would have preferred he did not cheat… but at the same time, why would you feel remorse when the wife you married didn’t care about you – all she cared about was money and fame?
I feel it depends on the cases such as you pointed out, with Her Ladyship’s Companion Bella felt guilt,but her husband beating her and abandoned her to the country for five years I can’t help but be on Bella’s side, reaching out to someone in the depth of her loneliness and running away from the pain
It would depend on the circumstances. If the spouse was abusive, something of that nature.
Richelle Mead’s Succubus Series touches on Infidelity. The character Seth’s action tore my heart up in bk 3, but over all wouldn’t prevent me from reading!
I have a huge problem w/infidelity also. I remember when we both read NABD and we talked about Zach and agreed it was an issue for us both. Isn’t it interesting that we’re more forgiving of it in our heroes than our heroines, though? For instance, remember The Great Jason Debate? General consensus is that we all love him and the book anyway…
I think I sit in your camp Holly – for the most part cheating is a big turn off for me. There are some exceptions but they are pretty rare. I like my heroes and heroines to be heroic – and I don’t think cheating is.
A book containing infidelity is generally a big NO for me. It depends on how it is treated but 99.9% of the cases if cheating is involved I cannot get around to reading it.
I do not like it. And I actually thought the same thing about that book, I didn’t approve of her hiring him cos she was still married. yes to an idiot but still
As a married, monogamous person, naturally I’m not fond of it, but it can be a good source for interesting conflict in a story. Really, it depends on how the author handles it and how well. If it’s treated as an insignificant detail by either or both characters, that does stick in my craw. — willaful
Great post! I have always had a problem with infidelity in books. I often wondered why I have a problem with the majority of ‘chick lit’ and I think this is the reason. It is very rare to find ‘chick lit’ where someone isn’t being unfaithful. I just can’t empathize with someone who sleeps around.
I hate cheating in my books but I forgave Zack for cheating on his first wife even though I wasn’t happy about it. Zack was too hot for me to stay mad at for too long, I’m shallow…what can I say?
Ooh, definitely hot button for me–I tend to agree with you, Holly. It’s a huge turn-off except in very rare occasions when the circumstances and characters make it tolerable. In general, I tend to totally avoid books where this is part of the premise. Eeek.
Holly I am with you 100% – its been a rare occasion when I don’t mind cheating and that is when the cheating is generally an aware act (husband supposedly dead come back thing). In my world a HEA doesn’t happen when there is an infidelity, I can’t get past it for the character.
I HATE cheating! It doesn’t bother me if they have cheated in a past relationship before they met the hero or heroine (depending on the circumstances) but the majority of the time I can’t stand it. There are very very very few circumstances: Once & Always – only because it was never confirmed; Lessons from a Courtesan and Dearly Beloved are two keepers because the marriages were never actual marriages, so I tolerated it. That’s pretty much it. Perfect Sin, The Dream, and Bold Angel (all by Kat Martin) all ripped my heart out, so I can’t read her books without asking someone if they are safe now.