Start rant:
My oldest daughter just started jazz dance classes 2 days a week (3 weeks ago) . Her classes are at the same time as my youngest’s taekwondo classes so I sit over at the martial arts studio and read during the classes. My oldest has ADHD and gets waaaay too distracted when I’m in the studio and she can see me through the window. Besides it’s really small over there and there’s not much room to sit so there ya go. Anyway, the taekwondo class ends 15 minutes before the jazz so I usually go over and watch her anyway.
So tonight I went over to the dance studio and realized that it’s the end of the month so I need to pay tuition for June. As I was writing out the check at the desk (no one’s really manning it) one of the girls in the class in the next hour (which is an advanced class) starts talking smack about someone to another student who’s hanging out behind the desk. Ok, they weren’t really talking smack but they were saying how this girl was so hyper and liked to talk (and talk and talk) and she must be ADD. Also how the teacher (who is incredibly patient) comes out before the class begins and says, “pray for me!” I listened for a minute not really realizing that they were talking about my daughter but then she pointed her out to the other girl (by what she was wearing) and made the crazy/twirly sign next to her temple – and the blowtorch in my brain went a little haywire! Then she starts talking to yet another girl – again pointing my daughter out specifically – and then that kid tells another and it’s like a chain reaction! By the time my daughter’s class let out there were 4 girls standing around planning to say some rude things to her and she just breezed past them completely oblivious, thank heavens!
The girls’ moms were standing talking to each other and when the students were talking they were standing next to me, not knowing I was her mom, and talking low so their mom’s wouldn’t hear them. I’m telling you I had to get out of there fast after the class was over so that I didn’t say something I would regret – like, shut the fuck up you little shits and mind your own damned business! Yeah, that probably wouldn’t have gone over too well!
I guess what gets me isn’t what they were saying, although that wasn’t too pleasant, because yes, she is hyper and she does like to talk (and talk and talk) and she does have ADHD but dammit…she’s 11 years old and she’s in the class because she loves it and it’s good for her to expend boatloads of energy in a 1 hour period. Why does she have to put up with that crap? I just don’t understand why 1 girl who doesn’t care for my daughter decides to start a fucking crusade and next thing you know the poor thing is on the firing squad. Were kids this mean when we were kids? I know I’m older than some here but really, was it this bad when we were kids and I was just oblivious and I’m delusional now or what?
/rant
(((Tracy)))
I know how you feel. I have two little girls and my six year old came home crying one day because some boy was teasing her.
Ugh, I wanted to scream, but really how do you handle something like that? I didn’t want my daughter to give it another thought, but how do I make her forget?
I’ve come to the conclusion that people don’t know your kids the way you do. No one will ever love your kids the way you do. They are your babies and you will love them no matter what.
In the end it’s up to us to give our kids so much love that any crap the ignorant people in life ever toss their way won’t mean a damn thing, because they will know that we love them unconditionally and in the end that’s what matters.
Ooh, sweetie! That really sucks. You showed amazing restraint in just getting your daughter out of there. Thank goodness for the occasional obliviousness of kids! At least she wasn’t hurt by their thoughtless cruelty.
As another mom with an “adhd” kid, who bounces off the walls sometimes (I just spent the afternoon signing him up for classes to work off some of that energy), I know I often stress about things more than my kid does, anticipating what other kids and moms are saying and how they are treating him.
While it might not be possible to address the girls’ actions, it might help to talk to the teacher, since her insensitive comments seem to be unintentionally encouraging/condoning this behavior. She may not even realize that what she says casually/jokingly is repeated.
Unfortunately, I think (girls especially) have always been adept at this type of cruelty. Verbal aggression is just as hurtful as the physical aggression I see with boys.
Hang in there. Give your daughter extra hugs, and I’m sure the ones she gives you back will also make you feel better.
And, here’s one for you, too. ((Tracy))
When I taught high schol English I had my own form group. The hardest thing for me to sort out was the lies, rumours and general bitchiness amongst the girls. It’s like sand running through your fingers trying to work out who said what to whom and why and how rumours get spread and started.
Be thankful that your little girl was oblivious to the hurtful comments. It’s a sad fact that at some point she may well have to cope with some of them and you can only offer support and a shoulder to cry on when that happens.
Yep, kids really are that mean.
Hi Tracy!
Kids are extremely cruel the pre-adolescent girls love to gossip and pick on one. The boys are equally as bad.
Unfortunately there are always the “in” kids and the “out” kids as in cliques.
My youngest son has a learning disability and had to deal with bullies right through elementary school. The high school shit, well, he found his own friends and stayed away from the “cool” kids.
The thing is, we hurt right along with our kids and the pain is double what it would be if the harrassment was directed at us.
It went on when I was a kid too. I wasn’t an “in” kid and was ostracized. So, in answer to your question, this kind of behaviour has always been there.
However, in your particular situation, being this is an extracurricular activity. The mothers of these girls should take some responsibility and tell them to knock it off – IMHO…
But, people suck sometimes.
My two cents.
Cyber ((hugs))
L
The meanest people in the world are pre-teen girls, followed very closely by pre-teen boys.
I remember a boy named Bennett in my 6th grade class who used to tease me for wearing a bra (because I *SO* didn’t need one). Well, it all came back to haunt him when we were seniors in high school. He wanted to date my best friend and I was having none of it.
But I’m sorry you had to sit through that. It’s really difficult to hear anyone trash your kid!
In one of my better parenting moments, years ago I had a run in with a little boy after a swim class–back when my son was six. MyBoy has a developmental ..uh…delay and he just couldn’t follow the flow of the class. Oh man. So this (nasty) little boy marches up to me as soon as the class lets out and says, “Your son got in trouble five times in class.”
and I said, “That’s nice. You know what? You’re a little tattletale.”
Yup.
It hurts, Tracy. And girls–they are so damned mean. ((((hugs)))) I’m so sorry.
Yeah, girls have always been that mean. Sad to say. When I was growing up I thought the boys had it easier. They just got in fights after school, some blood was spilled, and that was it. It was over. Not so with girls. They’re mean, petty, and just when you think it’s “over” you turn around to find a knife in your back.
Unfortunately your daughter is going to have to learn to deal with assholes – just as we all do. Sounds like she has a good dance teacher though – so if all the girls are “ganging up” on her – maybe you could have a chat with the instructor?
Oh, and what Barbara said. I liked that. Says the girl who doesn’t have children 😉
Let me tell you, Tracy:
I was “that kid” with the ADD who drove teachers and students bonkers by jumping off the walls and talking (and talking and TALKING and talking). While I did well in school and always had the right answers, I also had a lot of other crazy stuff to say along with all the right answers, *lol*
I was picked on a LOT because I had so much energy but no idea how to deal with people socially.
Speaking as someone with ADD, though, I can tell you the joke will be on them when your kid grows up. It’s not that we can’t pay attention, is that we can hyperfocus on things (and that leads us to ignore or not notice other things) – but the things we hyperfocus on we are SUPER GOOD AT.
Once in university and beyond in the adult world where you can choose your own path, ADD kids kick ass.
That being said, the other kids who are teasing your child may just feel overwhelmed and lash out because of that – because your daughter can come up with so much to say and is ready for anything, they often feel slow or stupid in comparison. My little sister told me she’d met one of the kids who used to tease me in elementary school. “Do you know how they remember you?” she says. “They remember you as being the crazy kid, but also the CRAZY BRILLIANT kid and they always felt they had to catch up.”
My sympathies, Tracy, and I hope everything turns out well in the end. 🙂
Oh, Tracy, how awful! That is so hard. Kids can just be so mean and thoughtless, but it sounds like your girl is so lucky to have someone like you loving her and standing by her side. Still, not being a parent, I can’t even imagine how hard that must be!
Thank you all for your wonderful words, you’ve all brought tears to my eyes with your understanding. I guess I just needed to get all of that off of my chest and hubby wasn’t home so it fell to you, aren’t you lucky?
My daughter says that kids make fun of her at school all the time because of her hyperactivity I guess I A) don’t understand it and B) was hoping that this could be a place that she was free of that.
I don’t think those same girls are there on Wednesday nights because of a different class schedule but if they are I will try to be good.
AnimeJune: Wow. You totally described my kid. He’s so intense and will talk to anybody. A lot. All the time. But, (at least at 6) he’s slightly ahead academically and it impacts his schoolwork only when the talking (or moving around) has gotten him in trouble. Of course, when he wants to focus on something, it’s sort of scary. lol
Getting caught up in the day to day stuff, it’s hard to remember the long game, and nice to be reminded that a lot of adults who excel were the “hyper” kids.
Maybe the award you just won at Nose in a book will cheer you up.
First – LOL @ Little CJ leaving comments. Also, that’s a little creepy.
Second – yes love, I’m sorry to say, but kids have always been that mean. From the beginning of time, I think.
My daughter gets picked on a lot at school, too. Mostly b/c she’s a total bookworm and keeps to herself a lot. When she does start talking, though, it’s like you pulled her string and she won’t quit. There have been several times when I had to stop myself from marching down to the school to have it out with a bunch of 12yos. Like that would solve the problem, right?
Big hugs to you!
(((Tracy))) I’m so sorry. The worst thing in the world is wanting to protect our kids and not knowing if or when to step in. I agree with Renee that a word to the teacher might be in order here. Not only so that she can control her own behavior, but so that she can nip anything in the bud that happens in class.
And girls are sooo mean. Especially preteen girls. I was knocked down and sat on by the biggest girl in my 7th grade class (man that girl was big!) because I had really frizzy hair that they liked to make fun of.
Hang in there – your girls are wonderful, and you’re a great mom.
How terrible! I worry about my older daughter getting trampled by “mean kids” at school. She’s very tender-hearted and not… socially savvy. But I love her that way! Better clueless than cruel.
God yeah, kids are mean. I was one of those that got picked on, didn’t have any friends for a few years, and the most mortifying thing, for me anyway, is when your mother talks to the teacher to try and “make” the other kids play with you. That only makes them hate you more. I’m glad your daughter was oblivious and didn’t hear what those mean girls had to say.
I don’t have kids, so please don’t take what I say as being know-it-all or knowledgable in any way. I do think adults need to be watchful of this behavior and just remind kids about hurting someone’s feelings. It’s unfortunate that this is a rite of passage we all go through on some level.
Of course there’s a much greater force at work here: that of the pre-teen clique. And chances are it might be something she will encounter more of, which makes me sad to think about, but I know you’ll be there to remind her of how special she is. Hugs go out to you and your daughter.
((Tracy)) What a horrible situation to be in. I can’t imagine the anger you felt, and you showed great restraint in not voicing it.
I’m really dreading my girls stepping out into the school world. For all of their short lives they have been with me and I’m scared to let them go into the mean world of their fellow peers. I remember all to well how mean little girls can be, and I want to shelter them from it even though I know that’s impossible.
As mothers, all we can do is be there for our kids and show them the constant love and affection that no one else can. So that even when the outside world looks their noses down at them, they know that they are perfect just the way they are.
It’s amazing to read all of these comments and stories. My daughter thinks she’s the only one on the planet who gets picked on and I tell her no, but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I say it just cuz she’s mine. I DO try to protect her but there’s only so much we can do when they’re at school.
Thank you again for all of your comments they just mean the world to me!
(((Tracy)))
I’m so sorry for your daughter and for you 🙁 It really sucks. Girls are mean, especially if you’re not in the in group, which is completely stupid. Actually, even now, some women are mean ^_^;
Not the easiest, but the best thing is just to ignore them.
Tracy, how awful. It’s a blessing,t hen, that your daughter was oblivious to their mean remarks.
And I’d say, yes, kids have always had the potential to be this mean, even back in our days as kids. I remember being the butt end of someone’s joke or snide remarks myself. Often, ignoring them and not feeding the mean child’s need for attention was enough to get me through it. I hope your daughter is able to rise above it all herself, however works best for her.
In the meantime, she’ll appreciate having an understanding and loving mom like you. My daughter’s 4 now; I don’t look forward to the days when the kids REALLY start getting mean. They can be in her daycare class right now – at dang 4!! – but I know it gets worse.
Nath – I know what you mean…women can be evooool!
KMont – Hopefully your daughter won't have to go through stuff like this. My youngest had some issues in preschool but when she got to K & elementary she was fine with no mean kids/teasing/bashing.